I was updating a friend of mine the other day on some things going on in my life — having good things to report for once in the amount I was able to cram into segmented text messages — when she sent me a bunch of hearts and wrote, “Girl, no one deserves happiness more than you.” I promptly responded with, “Stop, I’ll cry,” to which she said, “It’s true. You work hard and have dealt with so much bullshit in your life, and you deserve to be happy.”
I’m not sure why, but I think I often forget (or don’t believe) that I deserve to be happy, and I’m wondering if anyone else out there that feels this way.
There are times when I feel wrong for being at ease and living in the moments of happiness. It might have to do with my subconscious anticipation for things to go wrong, but I often feel like I have to be sitting at the edge of my seat, waiting for something to spoil my mood and “prove” that things just won’t ever work out for me in order to spare myself the disappointment to come. I also think this has something to do with this habituated mindset that I have adopted over the years along the lines of, “Think of the glass as half empty so that you’ll be pleasantly surprised when something fills it to the brim.” Yes, I realize that this is not a functional way to view life. Of course you shouldn’t live your day to day predicting pain and adversity in the things that make you feel happy, confident, smart, or positive, but it is a rut that I frequently trap myself into. Between thoughts like, “Don’t get your hopes up,” or “X, Y, and Z are coming up, you better buckle up before you get hurt,” I don’t allow myself to have enough cognitive-emotional space to process how much good I have going on and how it’s okay to let myself just exist in that happiness and enjoy it.
To top it all off, this comment really made me think about how much I actually believe that I deserve to be happy, or even if I deserve to be happy more than anyone else. Before I get into this, I would never tell another person that they don’t deserve to be happy, and I truly think that everyone deserves to be happy and to seek the things that make them happy in life. However, for whatever reason, I was hesitant to swallow the idea that I also deserve to be happy. Sure, I’ve had a lot of hardship in my life. Maybe a little more than the average person. But when I think of how I’ve conditioned myself to view the happiness life throws my way, I totally take it all for granted. In a similar vein, I also question how much I deserve to be loved. I also believe that everyone deserves to be loved or feel loved, but I have trouble relating that to myself because I know I take the love I receive for granted. I know it’s not true, but it’s like love and happiness are some form of currency that I’m not worthy of earning. I can’t even think of something that I have indubitably done to make me believe that I’m unworthy or undeserving, but it’s what I feel, and as I’ve gotten older, is something that has often put a pause on my enjoyment within the different facets of life.
Something that I haven’t shared with many people is that I’ve been going to counseling to work on this, as well as to build confidence. From my sessions, I’ve learned that I have a very divisive belief in both an external and internal locus of control in regards to my self-worth and happiness. For those who don’t know, the belief in an external locus of control is that things outside of your own control (environmental causes, the will of God, timing) impact your situation. In contrast, the belief in an internal locus of control is that things within your immediate control (what you have done, what you are able to do, what you responsible for) impact your situation. For example, if I did really well on a pop quiz, I would not immediately attribute my success to my skills or self and would say “I just got lucky” (external locus of control), and that the success of others is because they are more competent than I am (internal locus of control) without the influence of chance. Likewise, if I am hopeful or happy, I would predict something bad is to come that I must be prepared to face (external locus of control), but I think that those who have found happiness are better equipped to discover these things or are better able to overcome hardships than I am so that they can prolong their happiness and experiences (internal locus of control). With this in mind, I’d also encourage those who resonate with these thoughts to really reflect on this concept. Where do you believe your happiness comes from? Does it come from the path you make your own? Do you think it is all due to coincidence? How much control do you think you have over your life and its bounty?
Sorry if this post is very confusing, but I hope there’s someone out there that can connect to this. I’m worried that these feelings might read as Connie trying to put on the skin of someone who is humble and selfless; someone who wants to spread love and happiness but is so sacrificial that she won’t ask for any in return. I also don’t want to impart the impression that I consider myself a martyr of life; that life works against me while others are able to experience its fullness in their routines. I assure you, I do not want anyone to feel bad for me. I simply want to share these thoughts to tell my readers who feel this way — because I clearly can’t say it to myself and you probably won’t tell yourselves this either– that we are obviously loved and allowed to be happy despite the doubts we feed ourselves. No matter who you are, where you are, or what you have gone through, you are rightfully granted all of the love and happiness you find every day. It shouldn’t be the scavenger hunt we make it out to be, and I hope you have people in your life to remind you of that.
Special thanks to my friend who gave me this food for thought to chew on, as well as for supporting me so wholeheartedly.
Hi everyone!
Per usual, thanks for stopping by my blog. I know it’s been a very long time since I’ve last posted, but I appreciate those of you who have been avidly following my posts. I also appreciate all of the feedback I’ve received about my site thus far. I have very many drafts written but nothing I’m ready to post yet, so please be patient with me as I continue to casually add things here. I’ve got a few things in store, so sit tight and check back for more! 🙂
Happiness Keeps Running 